Reading Zoes and Jacquinas posts made me realise things about myself that I'd always brushed under the carpet before.. After Zoes post I'd been toying with the idea of getting it all off my chest in a post on here but kept putting it off until I read Jacquinas and thought 'sod it' why shouldn't I?
As far back as I can remember I have always had low self esteem and it has always stopped me from doing things that I've wanted to do. I wish it was as easy as just saying yes, like Zoe mentions doing but to me and probably many others, it is not that easy at all. Don't get me wrong, I know what she's saying, only I can change it and it really is a matter of just going for it.. but when it comes down to it, for me it's not that easy to do.
I have never liked myself or liked much about myself either. Okay so if I had to name something then I like my hair (sometimes!) and I think I am a good person.. but everything else I'm pretty unhappy with. Again, only I can change it and do something about it but it's the doing it and getting out of the cycle.. that is the real hard part and I feel like I don't have it in me but wish I did so bad.. Does that make any sense?!
Some people don't know why they feel like this or what caused it. I know exactly why I'm "scared" of doing things alone and constantly worry about everything and how others see me. I was bullied at school.. Primary school was fine but middle school and upper school were shite. I was picked on for dressing differently (I went through a bit of a goth/emo stage, cringe!) and for being overweight. Funny thing was, I was only a size 12-14 at upper school, hardly morbidly obese but I was an easy target because I've always been quite shy. I also didn't have many friends at the school I went to and it wasn't unusual to spend breaks or lunch on my own. As you can imagine, this really got to me and my work started going downhill.. Quite frankly, I didn't give a shit anymore. Because I was made to feel miserable every day, I lost interest in caring about my future and I got bad GCSE results.
I'd let these people make me feel so crappy about myself and in turn let it affect my future. I still got into college, not on the course I wanted though because of my grades.. But for the first time in years I wasn't bullied. I actually had a lovely group of friends (or so I thought) whom I had some real good laughs with.. Unfortunately, I enjoyed the fact that I had a group of friends for the first time since primary school so much so that I didn't focus on my work. I still had a bit of an attitude though and half way through the course I quit when the teacher told me I wasn't working hard enough. I'm an idiot and I really regret doing that. My 'lovely group of friends' were all 'too busy' for me after that too - that is actually what one of them said to me!
So, I was bullied for 8 years and can honestly say I've always been let down by supposed friends, every single one. I've never had a real good best friend that has been there and not once let me down. I think even now, all the closest people to me have done things that they shouldn't have thus letting me down. It's no wonder I don't think much of myself when I put it like that! - Not saying I'm perfect, I know I've done wrong too but some of the things, I would never do.
I've always wished I had a close knit group of friends or at least one really good one that is there for me no matter what, will never let me down, always be honest and caring and most of all have a proper good laugh. Someone I can chat with about anything and they won't get annoyed about it, someone I know would never talk badly about me behind my back because they aren't 2 faced and actually think enough of me that they wouldn't have anything to bitch about and someone that would know I would give all of the above in return. I have never had that and it makes me sad but I hope one day I will find a real gem of a friend :)
I think all of the above (plus a few other things that I really don't want to speak about) have made me who I am today and not for the better. Being bullied and feeling let down has made me think so little of myself, that I'm not worth the bother, that other people probably think bad things about me too. It has made me shy and worst of all caused me problems with anxiety. Between college and meeting Aaron (3 or 4 years) I felt panicky about even walking down to the local shop on my own, getting on a bus made me feel physically sick, infact doing anything or going anywhere on my own was a big no no. I couldn't pick the phone up and talk to anyone apart from my parents, the thought of it made me freak out, I'd get sweaty palms and go all weird! I failed learning to drive because anytime I thought I'd done something wrong, I'd go into a panic, shaking, crying.. Needless to say, I never passed my test! The last couple of times I've been on a plane I've had an anxiety/panic attack (sweaty palms, panicky feeling, nausea, struggling to breathe, hot and cold flushes, fidgeting..) and now I do my best to avoid a holiday abroad which is sucky :/
When I met Aaron, I still couldn't pop into the town on my own or talk to people on the phone but I'm getting better. Aaron is confident and he (like many other family members) thinks it's silly when I say I can't do something because he doesn't get it. I've never really sat down and explained how I get all anxious and freak out.. It's one of those things nobody ever seems to talk about isn't it? Maybe I should.. But then because he's confident, it's very likely he'll say "what's the worst that could happen? They're just people like you, just do it!" but as I said above, it's not as easy as saying "just do it" and doing it. You can't automatically change just like that after years of the same thing..?
So, as I said, things are getting a bit better, I feel Aaron has made me a bit more confident in some areas.. I will walk up town or down to the shop on my own now (I couldn't get on a bus/train and go into the city on my own though, I'm not there just yet!), I'm not too bad with buses.. I will get on them but they do make me feel a little nervous (sweaty palms, fidgety hands/feet etc) and I'm getting better at talking on the phone. I can talk to mum, dad, my sister Ocean and Aaron.. I struggle with other family and friends and often make excuses as to why I haven't answered instead of telling them I'm a complete plank! I'm not too bad at ringing companies now, I still get nervous and come out with silly things but at least I do it! - I was so proud of myself last week when I phoned E.ON!! A couple of years ago, I went through a really bad stage of feeling anxious (nausea, worry, panic..) whenever we went out for a meal somewhere busy or going away for the weekend, which really spoiled it but I'm nearly there with that now..
Image wise, I'm not sure I'll ever be happy. I'm a size 16/18 on the bottom and a size 18/20 on the top. I feel several sizes larger than I actually am, which is silly because I'm not quite that big, deep down I do know this but on a day to day basis, that is how I feel like I look.. Please note: I do not want to cause any offense. I'm not in any way saying it is horrible to look bigger than me or that you should feel how I feel, I'm simply trying to explain that I feel bigger than I really am. I have friends that are larger and they're beautiful and happy in their skin which is fantastic but I'm not happy in my skin and that's what I'm trying to get across. It's just personal preference that I would like to be a bit smaller like I used to be.
This is so cringe but I'm gonna do it anyway.. This is me, full length.. Eeeeek!
I don't often get compliments for how I look, this is normal to me but I wish it wasn't.. Aaron has never been the sort to shower me with compliments, unfortunately. I have tried explaining it would be lovely if he said something nice about how I look once in a while because it gets me down but nothing changed. I do wonder why he's with me sometimes but I suppose if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. When I get dressed up to go out he does say "Oh you look nice Tiff" which is about as good as it gets! I don't want to look 'nice' I want to look pretty or something a bit nicer than nice..! When I asked him why he's with me a couple months back he said "we just get on well don't we.. you look after me and we have a laugh" to me, that's something you say about your friend.. No mention of my looks which makes me think I must be ugly and he's not attracted to me. I said to him "are you actually attracted to me?" and he said "I wouldn't be with you if I wasn't" Am I just being silly?
Before I was with Aaron I was with a bloke for 2 months. In these 2 months he treated me like a complete knob. He referred to me as ugly, as in "oi, ugly, come here" and I never stuck up for myself. He flirted with my friends right in front of me and one night in a club I was dancing with my friend (a girl) and he stormed off saying he'd seen me dancing with a bloke. He went downstairs to the table we'd been sitting at and kissed another girl in front of me before walking out of the club. The last straw was when he picked me up one night, I'd said something he obviously didn't like and he punched me.
Before him, I was seeing a bloke that treated me like a princess most of the time. He said all the right things all the time and was always complimenting me and making me feel special. Trouble is, I met him at the wrong time in my life and I messed it up because I was holding back so much.. Not wanting to believe he was a genuinely nice bloke.
And before him I was with a guy for 6 months and I finished it because he got very obsessive and clingy. One weekend he stayed round mine and sat outside the toilet while I had a wee!!
I guess all of this put together is why I struggle with anxiety and worry and feeling panicky. I literally do worry about everything and anything but I can't help it. If I had a nugget for every time Aaron told me to stop worrying, I wouldn't need a job!
Without thinking, I automatically think everybody is judging me and doesn't like me or won't like me. I find it hard to believe somebody would want to be my friend because I'm fat and ugly. I feel really sad writing that but I'm being honest..
I have a job interview Tuesday for an admin apprenticeship and I'm so nervous and worried that I'm considering not even going. Part of me thinks I should just go but the other part of me is worrying because I don't know where the entrance to the building is (silly I know!) and I don't want to look or feel an idiot standing outside not knowing how to get in but also because I think they won't want to employ me based on my looks. I keep thinking there will be other girls there that are so much prettier and have a nicer figure and they'll want them over me. I'm also worried because I'll have to get the bus there and back every day. Plus I've never had an interview before (I got my last job without interview cause my mum worked there) so I don't know what to expect or how I'll answer questions..
I'm really fed up of feeling like this is controlling my life because it is, isn't it? I wish I had more confidence, I wish I had a bit nicer figure (really want to get back down to a size 14) and I wish I didn't worry or feel nervous about things. I know that only I can do something about it, it's just breaking that cycle and maybe even asking for help.. But them I'm too worried to!!
I know what it's like to feel alone when you're feeling all of this and you feel like you have nobody to talk to so if anybody would like to talk or just fancies a chat then I'm all ears.. Well, eyes :) Email me, I'd love to hear from you - xtiffyxx@hotmail.co.uk
